Lech L'cha---Put a motor in it

In this week's portion, Abram gets the word from God: MOVE ON!
"Go forth from your native land and your father's house to the land that I will show you." Abram takes his wife, Sarai, and nephew, Lot, along with all their possessions and heads on to Canaan.
This is one of my favorite portions as it has so much emotional resonance for me, as it does with anyone who has packed up and moved away from their home and family. Who knows what's really ahead? You have some idea that it's going to be good, possibly better than what you're leaving behind; but you don't really know that. All you know for sure is that some voice inside you said "Lech l'cha." Go forth.
There may be hard times; you may not get along with your travelling companions; you may find yourself in dangerous places; you may find yourself having dark dreams of ominous portent. You may say to yourself, "This is not my beautiful house!" You may say to yourself, "My god, what have I done??" Lech l'cha.
I am not the first and will certainly not be the last to talk about how life is a series of lech l'cha-ing. My own life seems to have had more of it than I would honestly say I'm happy about. I'm in Texas, fer pity sake! How did I get here?? Literally one of the last places in the country that I ever wanted to be in.
But because I have been placed here, I have learned a lot about myself. I've been through unbelievably fantastic times and unbearably sad, crushing times. It has brought me to the brink of absolute and utter despair and led to a fantastic rising up of spirit.
Abram's journey is a road map of our own. It can be seen as an optimistic sign that things get better. It can't have been all that easy to be living amongst idol worshippers to suddenly say, "Hey, those are all just chunks of rock and wood. You can't SEE God like that. You're silly to try," and then leave everything you've ever known because God has told you to, or at the very least, your faith in God has told you to. As a modern person, it's hard not to wonder about the psychological state of an ancient person such as Abram. Did he go through any sort of midnight of the soul, searching and finally understanding that he had to follow his heart? Or was it just as simple as, "God said to Abram, 'Lech l'cha?'" and off he went? What I would give for a simple "lech l'cha" without all the baggage. To know right now, for a fact that my decisions were the right decisions and not have to wait weeks, months, years, or NEVER to know if it was the right thing to do. But we can't know. There's no way to know. An angel is not going to come down and show us what would have happened if our decisions were different. We don't get to pull a McFly and deck the bad guy at the dance and have our future become great, where our kids think we're the coolest. We live from point to point, making decisions as we go along and hoping that they work out. They flutter behind us, our possible pasts.
Abram had it easy. God's voice was loud and clear. Nowadays, God's voice is hard to hear over my bills screaming to be paid, while I am trying to prioritize them and hope that it's the right juggling sequence to keep the rent paid, the cable on, the phone connected, the electricity on, and the dogs fed and healthy. If I stop to actually think about it...oh, boy that's scary.
But, as always happens when reading Torah, something pops up that I forget was there. Maybe not forget, really, but need reminding of its existence. In verse 15, these words popped out at me: "'Fear not, Abram, I am a shield for you; your reward is very great' ...and because he put his trust in the Lord, He reckoned it to his merit." In other words, as they say in AA, "Let go, let God."
So, lech l'cha is a veritable orchard of emotional fruit. The anxiety of stepping off into the abyss, falling backward, hoping and trusting that someone is there to catch you. The thrill of lighting off for the territories. Looking at a chunk of marble and seeing David hidden inside. Over the river and through the woods...let me see that map again...
It's starting out as Abram of Ur, but finishing as Abraham, father of us all. Lech l'cha is scary but it has to be done. How often? As often as it takes.
Shalom rav!!
Lev